Family Truths
by VisualIDentificationZeta
Summary: JackSam SUMMARY: a short, very silly fic, not to be taken seriously. One shot.


TITLE: Family Truths

AUTHOR: Vid Z.

CATEGORY: humor, PARODY, fluff

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV show Stargate: SG-1 are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: okay, blame the birth of this fic on my drunk friends (fellow Stargate fans) who challenged me to come up with the most terrifying, disgusting and wrong JS scenario wrapped up in a parody fic. This is the result of 36 hours of no sleep, a beer on an empty stomach, and a general frustration over snow and ice and cold and sludge (that all prevent me from riding my bikes) and idiots with broad-rimmed hats behind the wheels of SUV's (it seems like an unwritten law that the guy who is wearing that kind of a hat is an idiot) who can't even drive and with the morons with the pyrotechnics who think that the louder the bang the more other people love it and with the completely useless-except-for-writing-tickets-if-you-go-5 kmh-over-the-limit police and Gypsies who's only mission in life seems to be to sell as many pyrotechnics to idiots as possible, who then use them to cure their inferiority complexes and scare people's dogs and cats, and all other assorted irritating and annoying things and people (I am SOOO not in a holiday spirit). If again someone offers me to sell a petard I'm gonna take that damn thing, shove it where the sun doesn't shine on(in) their body and fire it up.

It seems that the more upgrades and "improvements" are done on ff. net the more it sucks. And the more unstable it is. Now we can't even use brackets in the summary line anymore...

Don't forget this is a parody fic, it's NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

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Sam canted her head as she saw her father and the Colonel argue about something. It was obvious that the Colonel was trying to persuade Jacob into something and that Jacob was resisting. Finally, after a few minutes her CO seemed to have won and they started making their way to her with determined expressions.

"What is it dad?" she asked as they got to her.

He looked hesitant, but after a nudge from the Colonel he started. "Honey, Jack insists that you have the right to know, that we should tell you."

"Tell me what?" she looked at her CO, who looked particularly uncomfortable.

"I'm not your father, honey." finally blurted Jacob.

She froze. "What do you mean, you're not my father? What about Mom? Was she not my mother either?"

He looked away. "No, she wasn't. Truthfully, we are your grandparents."

"What!?" the shriek could be heard through the entire Alpha site and it drew attention of various Tok'ra and Jaffa.

"But... But... How? You're not old enough to be my grandfather." her chin was trembling in preparation for a crying jag.

"Well, me and your mom, I mean grandmother, were pretty precocious when we were young, as was your father. We had him at 18 and he had you at 13." he explained.

Poor Sam put a hand to her head, the whole world was spinning. In just a few seconds her world had fallen apart around her ears. "Who... Who's my father?" she asked with dread, not really sure she wanted to know.

There was a brief, tense silence before Jack raised his hand and said, wincing. "I am."

"WHAT!?" there went that shriek again. "You're my father?" she looked to Jacob pleadingly, searching for a confirmation that Jack was just playing a cruel joke on her. But Jacob just noded sagely.

"It's true. Jack's my son and you're his daughter. Why do you think I always let him call me 'Dad'?" Now she was sure that the noise she was hearing was her world falling apart. This was just so wrong on so many levels there just weren't enough levels to say how wrong it was. "Jack got his equally old girlfriend pregnant, she didn't want to be a mother and she left you with us then disappeared. And when Jack was called to Vietnam we took over your care and adopted you."

"There's more." said Jack with a grimace.

'There's more? Hasn't this been enough?' thought Sam, on the verge of hysterical crying.

"You have a brother." after seeing only a pained look on her face he continued. "It's Daniel. He's your twin brother, but Heather for some reason put him up for adoption instead of giving him to me. Why do you think I always called you three 'my kids' and especially you and Daniel 'my science twins'?"

Sam just kept looking at him with a dull glaze to her eyes. She was starting to foam around her mouth.

"You okay, sweetie?" Jack asked with a fatherly concern.

"Oh, there's something else." put in Jacob. "You know George, I mean General Hammond? He's really a relative. His real name is Georgina..."

A savage scream tore out of Sam's mouth as she finally snapped and went crazy.

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Sam bolted upright in her bed, sweating like it was going out of fashion and with a panicky look in her wide eyes.

Quickly she checked her finger and found a golden wedding band next to a saphire engagement ring. Then she snapped her head to her right side at the man sleeping there. Quickly uncovering his arm she checked and found an identical wedding band.

But this was not enough.

Scurrying out of their bed she ran into the living room where they kept all the papers. She checked their marriage certificate first, just to be sure. Yup, John O'Neill and Samantha Carter, from now on Samantha O'Neill. Still, it didn't calm her down. She dug out their birth certificates. John O'Neill born to Siobhan and Diarmid O'Neill on May 5th 1957. And Samantha Carter born to Katherine and Jacob Carter on October 17th 1965. Okay, the names could've been faked to make an adoption easier, but birth dates could not.

Still... it could not hurt to assure herself.

She waited impatiently until a sleepy voice answered. "Hello?"

She knew she would be catching hell for this come morning, but her mental well-being was more important.

"General Hammond, sorry to wake you up, but I..."

He was now more awake. "Captain O'Neill what's wrong at the base?"

She bit her lip. "Eh, nothing sir."

"Then why did you wake me at..." he obviously checked his clock. "... at 3 in the morning? This had better be a damn good reason..."

"Uh, sir, you don't happen to be related to me, do you?"

"What? No!"

'Whew' she thought and prepared herself for another question. "One last thing, sir. Have you ever had a sex-change operation?"

A minute later a completely shaken Sam hung up the phone. She could not believe her CO's vocabulary. Where had he heard all those words? Even their memory had her blushing furiously, never mind repeating them outloud. She could just not believe his reaction, after all it had namely been a completely innocent and legitimate question...

Seeing as she wasn't going to get her answers there and that she had nothing to lose, besides having been reamed once already, what was two times... she decided to call up the most credible source.

"What!" answered the grouchy voice.

"Hi, Dad!"

"Samantha, do you know what the time is?" she winced. He only called her Samantha when he was really pissed at her.

"Ah, Dad, this is serious. I'm calling you for the sake of my mental health. And the possibility of your future grandchildren depends on this." she insisted.

"Okay..." he asked, immediately serious and willing to listed. "What's this about?"

"Dad. Did you and Mom have any other children besides me and Mark?" she asked urgently.

"No..." he drawled, curious what had brought this on.

"Okay, next. Is John O'Neill by any chance your biological son?"

There was silence. "Samantha, are you drunk? Why are you asking me if your husband is my son?"

"Please, Dad, just answer the question!"

He huffed, but answered. "No, John O'Neill aka Jack O'Neill aka your husband is not my son, biological or otherwise, and you and Mark were my and Kate's only children, biological or otherwise. And to answer the question I KNOW is brewing, yes, you ARE mine and Kate's biological daughter."

"Thanks, Dad." said a relieved Sam.

"Would that be all? Can I get back to sleep now?" He asked with a deceptively polite voice. At her affirmative he barked down the line. "Good! And go have a drug test done in the morning!" And he slammed down the phone.

As a very relieved Captain Samantha O'Neill crawled back into bed with her husband and kissed him lightly on his lips she realized what had been the cause for her freaky and disturbing nightmare.

She groaned, flopping down to sleep.

'Jack's right. I can't cook. Hell, I give myself nightmares as a result.' At dinner she had been fully aware that Jack had fed his food to the dog, but had said nothing. Which was the reason for why Jack was sleeping peacefully like a baby and why their dog was chewing at his own hind leg.

Comforted that she'd found the reason she drifted off to a nightmare-less sleep.

THE END

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